Active Listening

Paraphrase people and repeat back to them what they just said.

One of the most positive ways to influence others is to show them that you really understand how they feel, that you have real empathy for them. One of the most effective ways to do this is by paraphrasing what they say and repeating it back to them, also known as reflective listening. Studies have shown that when therapists used reflective listening, people were likely to disclose more emotion and have a much better therapeutic relationship with the therapist.

This easily transfers over to talking to your friends. If you listen to what they say, and rephrase it as a question to confirm that you understood it, they are going to be more comfortable talking with you. They are also going to have a better friendship with you and be more likely to listen to what you have to say, because you showed that you care about them.

Building Rapport

Trick: Don’t correct people when they are wrong.

Dale Carnegie also pointed out in his famous book that telling someone they are wrong is usually unnecessary and does the opposite of endearing them to you. There is actually a way to show disagreement and turn it into a polite conversation without telling someone they are wrong, which strikes to the core of their ego. This is called the Ransberger Pivot, invented by Ray Ransberger and Marshall Fritz. The idea behind it is pretty simple: instead of arguing, listen to what they have to say, and then seek to understand how they feel and why. Then you explain the common ground that you share with them, and use that as a starting point to explain your position. This makes them much more likely to listen to what you have to say, and allows you to correct them without them losing face.

Mirroring

Mirroring is also known as mimicry, and is something that some people do naturally. People with this skill are considered to be chameleons; they try to blend into their environment by copying other people’s behaviors, mannerisms and even speech patterns. However, this skill can also be used consciously, and is a great way to make you more likable.

Researchers studied mimicry, and found that those who had been mimicked were much more likely to act favorably toward the person who had copied them. Even more interesting was their second find that those who had someone mimic their behavior were actually nicer and more agreeable to others in general—even those not involved in the situation. It is likely that the reason why this works is that mirroring someone’s behavior makes them feel validated. While this validation is likely to be most positively associated with the person who validated them, they will feel greater self-esteem and thus be more confident, happier and well disposed towards others.

7 Dangers to human virtue

40 Simple Ways to Practice Kindness

1. Smiles are irresistible. Don't hesitate to smile warmly at friends, family, colleagues and even...strangers.
2. Write hand-written thank-you notes. The notes don't need to be an essay and people love to receive them. It's the personal touch.
3. If you use public transport, it's busy and there are no free seats, be the first to stand-up and let a weary traveller, pregnant woman or elderly person take rest.
4. Pay it forward - When you are in a coffee shop or café , maybe you could buy a coffee or cake in advance for the next customer that comes in. How tasty! Imagine what a sweet surprise that person will get when they discover that a kind stranger has paid it forward for them.
5. When you see a homeless person, think about how you might be able to help them in some way. Buy a nutritious lunch. Ask them if there is anything that they need. Give them a warm coat. Share a conversation. Spend some time. Listen. Engage.
6. That thing you're going to sell. Why not give it away for free?
7. Send flowers unexpectedly. No reason needed. Just because.
8. Hold doors open. Even for people who are a little further away from the door than usual.
9. Make your colleagues/classmates a hot-drink. Expect nothing in return. Well...maybe some doughnuts.
10. Speaking of doughnuts...why not buy a bag full and share them out in all directions.
11. Pay compliments.
12. Does someone owe you money? Forgive the debt.
13. When a person is talking to you _really_ listen to them.
14. Pass books on, especially the good ones or leave them in public places for others to find.
15. Ask elderly neighbours if they need anything doing.
16. Tell your loved ones that you love them. Regularly.
17. When you are served in a shop, bar, restaurant etc, make eye contact and sincerely thank the employee for their help.
18. Put coins in a meter, any meter, that's about to expire.
19. If you know that someone is particularly busy, offer to take their dog for a walk.
20. When a thought of generosity arises within you, act on it. Don't hold back. This is important.
21. If someone is struggling with money problems, find a way to secretly help them if you can. If not secretly, out in front.
22. Take a friend to dinner.
23. Stand up for others.
24. Stop complaining.
25. Standing in a queue? Let someone go before you.
26. Tell someone that they look nice.
27. Volunteer some time to help a charity or perhaps a homeless shelter.
28. Stop speaking ill of others. Let your words be kind.
29. Forgive a driver for their error on the road or their road rage directed at you.
30. Recycle.
31. Think of the people in your life...what help do they need with chores or tasks? Don't wait to be asked.
32. Be the calm voice in a stressful situation.
33. Donate to your favourite charity.
34. Spend some time with a senior citizen living on their own.
35. Teach a child something you wish you knew at that age.
36. If a friend or family member is having a hard time, make sure they know that you are there for them and are available to talk and help.
37. Give Blood.
38. Donate to or volunteer for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
39. Encourage someone to pursue their dream.
40. "Please" and "Thank You."

Be a Champion